Spouse
Career and School
Assistance Center
Managing
the Challenges of Relocation
Introduction
A famous study measures the amount of stress caused by several dozen
common life events. Relocation ranks third in intensity, following on
the heels of the death of a close relative and divorce.
Few of us would deny that MOVING IS STRESSFUL:
- Its hard work—selling a house, securing housing in
the new location, packing and transporting family goods and the endless
necessary tasks of "settling in."
- The children, whether eight or eighteen, need extra
attention.
- It is a time of saying goodbye to friends and to
familiar and beloved places.
- The entire family needs to adjust to all the
differences in the new location. Families moving to another
country can expect almost everything to be different.
- Nearly every aspect of common family life changes:
daily routines, schools, community associations, friendships, even the
physical landscape.
Families that are relocating to another country for two or three years
are particularly affected by several of these stress triggers.
Human Resource and relocation managers have recently recognized
that an out-of-country transfer that enhances an employee’s career
advancement can nearly traumatize his/her spouse and children.
Family concerns are making employees think extra hard about foreign
assignments and companies have reacted to this by providing expatriate
families with more help and support making the adjustment to another,
possibly alien, culture.
Repatriating families have also begun to raise their voices in protest
of any assumption that coming home is like putting on an old and
perfectly fitting glove. Even when the surroundings are familiar,
returning to them after several years of being in a foreign country is
likely to be a jolt. And this does not even take into account the
changes that the repatriates themselves have undergone.
So the stress afflicting family members in domestic relocation is a
concern for both expatriates and repatriates. The feelings are
the same—anxiety, depression, anger, sadness—and they may even seem
more frighteningly. These are the feelings of stress that come together
and create what we call culture shock.
There is considerable misunderstanding about culture shock. It is
not caused, only triggered, by an external incident or situation.
It is the feelings about these events and situations that cause culture
shock. Culture shock is manufactured and felt by how we react to the
change of living in a foreign culture for an extended period of time.
Let’s accept it—some stress is normal. But stress that partly or fully
incapacitates us needs another look.
Change and Transition
William Bridges, an organization psychologist, observes that most
people react to change by navigating their way through three distinct
stages-- Endings, the Neutral Zone and New Beginnings. People achieve
successful transitions when they adjust to change through the healthy
navigation of each of these three transition stages. When we fail to
accomplish the essential tasks of each stage, we can get stuck in an
incomplete and unsatisfying transition. This failure cripples our
ability to live a satisfying life in our new area.
Endings
Our reaction to change always begins with the Ending. The Ending phase
typically begins when we first learn about an impending move.
Right away we begin to think about everything we must do to complete
the logistical challenges of uprooting from one place and settling in
another. At the same time, we typically feel a sense of loss about the
life we are leaving behind. The prospect of this loss can trigger
a period of grief, as though we are preparing to lose a person close to
us. The experience of grief includes several emotions:
- Shock - "I can't believe that we have to move just
as we were getting to like it here."
- Anger - "I am just sick and tired of moving and I
can’t imagine doing it again.
- Anxiety - "I don’t know how I am going to get
everything ready."
- Sadness - "I am going to miss
___________________ (people, places, activities, events).
- Fear - "I am used to the people in California.
How am I going to get along with Australians?!”
- Confusion and disorientation- “I always feel
awkward, on edge.” (Expatriating employees and spouses are
especially vulnerable.)
These feelings are uncomfortable, even painful, but also normal.
Emotions are not negative in themselves, only in how they can affect us
when we either ignore them or cling on to them past their natural
life. Feeling anger and sadness does not mean that there is
something wrong with us or with the move. Life as it is, even
good life, often produces uncomfortable feelings. We don’t need
to run from these feelings, but to learn from them.
How do we do this? We may instinctively fear that if
we acknowledge and articulate painful emotions, it will give them more
power. Quite the contrary. By discussing our feelings with others
we dilute their power, put them in a larger perspective and soften
their negative impact.
So, a basic rule for managing change is to let ourselves feel what we
feel and to discuss our feelings with people we trust.
Children are no different from adults on this score. They adjust
best to relocation when they can both talk about their worries and
participate in the practicalities of moving.
Children of all ages feel the strain of moving and any child old enough
to talk about it will benefit from doing so. Families that talk
together about the ending phase of relocation make a smoother
transition to their new home and environment.
Rituals are valuable ways for both adults and children to mark the
significance of transitions and say good-bye to a part of their life
that is ending. These parting rituals don’t have to be fancy—a
last visit to a favorite pizza parlor, a romp at the local playground,
visits to important sites like schools, and special good-bye time with
friends are examples of simple, but effective, leave-taking rituals.
Some children host a goodbye party for their friends a week or two
before the move.
In the case of moving, what is good for children is also healthy for
adults. Here are several tips for "closure" at the Ending stage of your
transition.
- Before the move, take the time to say good-bye to
people and places. It gives us a sense of rounding off, of completion,
and allows time to acknowledge what we will miss. Keep a journal of
your experiences while living abroad.
- Encourage open communication among family members.
Inform children about the move as soon as possible. When feasible,
include children in some aspects of the decision-making process about
how the move will be organized. Encourage everybody to speak honestly
about their reactions and explore your new surroundings.
- Take time to relax and have fun. Inaugurate
life in your new home or apartment with a special “Welcome to Us”
dinner. Try to learn the new language.
- Pre-relocation visits to the new area help both
adults and children to make the transition. Instead of wondering
about the unknown, we can begin preparing ourselves while still in our
old location.
- Relocation is physically, mentally and emotionally
demanding. This is not the best time to abandon your normal
routines of self-care in the areas of sleep, nutrition and exercise.
- Have reasonable expectations of yourself and
others. Recognize that relocation is inherently stressful and do
not be hard on yourself for not handling everything perfectly.
- These suggestions apply as much to expatriating and
repatriating relocaters as they do to those who move domestically,
though pre-relocation visits are difficult to arrange for obvious
reasons.
- Don't hesitate to ask for help. Well, you can
hesitate, but do it anyway. Don’t confuse asking for help with
self-pity or weakness. And remember that most people like to
help. Expatriates report that it is valuable to arrive equipped
with the contact information for other expatriates from their own
country. Network, network and network, some more!
- Keep your sense of humor. If you have never
had one, try to develop it.
The Neutral Zone
The Neutral Zone occupies the middle stage of transition; it begins
with the departure from the old home and extends into the initial
period of resettlement. Its duration varies anywhere from two or three
months to nine months.
The Neutral Zone is often marked by a sense of dislocation and
anxiety. Change means heading into unfamiliar territory, and
during this passage it is common to confront a feeling of
emptiness. People often feel in limbo; they miss their
familiar surroundings but have not yet planted firm roots in the new
area. During this period family members are especially vulnerable
to disappointment as they find that their new location does not offer
the same features, attractions and apparent advantages they had
appreciated “back home.”
Despite its unsettling aspects, the Neutral Zone also provides time for
rejuvenation, self-examination and redirected focus. In the Neutral
Zone people discover new talents and passions, and a capacity for
closer, more rewarding relationships.
People moving from one country to another may be cheated out of their
neutral zone, depending on how marked the differences are between the
two. The culture shock that accompanies moving to a foreign
country can turn into an ongoing culture adjustment. There are many
stages of culture shock; from the pre-departure phase to the honeymoon
period onto intense culture shock and finally, recovery and adjustment
which is just before repatriation.
One expert on change has remarked that it is an interlude that deserves
to be "savored." Here are several suggestions for making your
Neutral Zone a "tasty" one:
- Accept what is. Waging a war against
circumstances that are fixed is self-destructive and wastes enormous
energy.
- Accept your feelings for what they are. Anger
and sadness aren’t negative feelings unless you do not acknowledge them
or realize you have them.
- Relocations disrupt the customary routines that give
our lives structure, so it may help to quickly reestablish routines
that provide a sense of order and structure.
- Being in Neutral for a while is normal. It is
a resting time between the rigors of departure on one end and getting
newly settled and established at the other.
The main danger of the neutral zone is that of getting stuck. How do
you know if you have gotten stuck? The two most common signs of an
unsuccessful transition are emotions that are unusually intense or
prolonged. If you are incapacitated by anxiety before the move or
mourning the old homestead a year after relocating, it may be time to
seek professional help.
Beginnings
Veteran movers learn that the unpacking of their belongings scarcely
concludes their relocation. Experience teaches them that it takes
six to nine months to fully acclimate to their new world.
So it can be difficult to pinpoint where the Neutral Zone merges into
New Beginnings. But at some point people look back and realize that
they have made the shift. Families that have successfully
relocated report that the key to making a healthy transition is to
quickly form connections in the new community.
- They make an effort to meet their new neighbors.
- If they are religious, they seek a spiritual home
within a month of moving.
- They join one or two community groups or voluntary
associations—the library guild, rescue squad, municipal health
commission, hospital volunteer corps, town recreation program, planning
board and Rotary are but a few of the possibilities. People who
are in a new country have a special challenge. At the beginning,
especially, everything can feel intimidated. Veterans of foreign
moves advise that new arrivals need to get plentiful and accurate
information about their host culture and immediate surroundings so that
they are not constrained by their apprehension.
In other words, successful movers quickly
establish relationships in their new area.
The Challenge of Change
Change is difficult. Changes in external circumstances often
demand and call for internal changes. We are faced with having to
let go of our familiar sources of security and self-definition.
People who have made successful relocations tend to share a number of
common traits. They:
- Are intentional about setting goals and organizing
their actions around these goals. They are clear, with themselves
and with others, about their important values.
- Neither deny nor wallow in their emotions, but
accept them for what they are and work from there. Meanwhile,
they keep their sense of humor.
- Communicate their feelings openly and listen
sympathetically to the feeling of others.
- Focus on their own behavior instead of trying to
control the behavior of others.
- Take responsibility for themselves and are open to
personal change. They know the futility of procrastination and
self-pity.
- Practice flexibility and tolerance of others.
People who manage change well are those who can make and
accept changes in themselves. When a major change such as
relocation appears on the horizon, they are not immune from normal
feelings like fear, sadness and anger. But by facing and
expressing these feelings, they move toward the future with hope and a
sense of adventure.
The author is Galen Tinder. Galen is a senior consultant and manager
for Ricklin-Echikson Associates, Inc.
REA is an
internationally recognized leader in providing global transition
assistance and career management services to corporations and
individuals. REA's services, which are customized for both our client
companies and our individual customers, include Spouse/Partner Career
Relocation Assistance, Family Acclimation and Settling In Assistance,
Outplacement Services, and Career Transition Coaching. REA's unique
business model (localized delivery with centralized support) allows us
to deliver quality service worldwide, price competitively, and expand
on demand to meet your needs. REA's greatest strength is our highly
educated and committed team of professional career consultants located
throughout the world, familiar with local markets and industries,
employer networks, and professional and community organizations. To
learn more about REA and these services, please email us at
jcowan@reacareers.com.
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